all night

fan turning

comforter between my legs

flipping back and forth

getting up to pee

walking aimlessly through the dark halls

grinning from ear to ear in the nightlight’s soft illumination

feeling flutters deep within

and feeling a bit insane

with love

infatuation or lust

(I’ll take the combo, please)

My toddler is sleeping next to me

I curl up into his arms and smell his sweet skin

his chest moves rhythmically up and down

and I latch onto his joy and calm and sweetness

to calm my inner stirrings

ground myself (try)

sleep again (its not goodbye)

just a few winks in this disastrous night

a married mama full of feelings and fright

for what have I done?

it shan’t be good

to wind up alone, knocking on wood

in hopes to reclaim all I threw away

for another reality that surely won’t stay

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