Morning light

“I only want the morning light,”

she thinks, groggily, in transitional slumber

she slowly creaks down the hard-wood stairs, the handrail cold and smooth to her touch

“I only want the morning light”

she repeats,

the world, from her living room window, a covered blanket of grey

This morning, no tropical birds fly through emerald green rainforests

no turquoise waters splash off Caribbean pink boats

there are no clamoring brass bands, bustling cafés, screeching factory lines

to be heard of

no metro buses clanking, no engine sounds roaring through single pane windows

only grey, silent sheets of ice

The birds are still sleeping

the air hangs full

cold air seeps in slowly under the side door

sitting down in her worn plaid chair, she pulls a soft wool blanket up over her lap

hugging a steaming mug of tea to her chest

“I can’t do bright light,”

she says, sober and alone, mind her brown calico cat, perched on the olive loveseat by the window

a black crow faintly caws in the distance,

the sky, a lighter shade of grey

she turns on her living room light, and quickly turns away

Unreciprocated

Time has rolled by this summer

like a dull, loud, clunking train

slow on the fat tracks, burdened by its carry

My body has suffered because of my emotions

I’ve stuffed them down like a heavy chain cascading down from its crane

landing ungracefully with a clamorous boom

twisting in a punishing snake of iron on the wet concrete port floor

I have resisted my release, resisted my health

(resistance, my only rebellion)

I’m staring at a blank off-white canvas

the bleakness yearning to be painted

begging for shadow and light

but how do I paint a landscape with your absence?

its all cold; the paint comes out in greys and blues

my brush is pointing down, paint is dripping down my leg

I don’t stop it

Adieu

I loved him

The idea of him

The way he moved through space, his mind

How he considered things

Deliberately, kindly, with reason and distance and perspective

I saw him for his sweet soul

His kind, warm, cavernous eyes

They pulled me in while I tried to look away

I saw them glancing at me, I felt them stare

I guess I was wrong

Behind a computer screen is a song

A heart sad and alone

Wondering why I can’t have this beauty

Why he is in another woman’s arms

I loved how he made me feel

The compassion and calmness he showed

The quiet and subtle humor

His worldly perspective

His class and upstanding integrity

He is like a giraffe among moles

I loved how he inspired me

To be my better self

To make better choices (as much as I could)

To do hard things

To feel sexy and strong and vibrant

Alive

I have to let him go

Goodbye, mon ami,

(It’s not á bientôt, mon cheri)

Nor au revoir

It’s Adieu, in this life (and probably the next)

It’s Adieu, eternally

Adieu

Adieu

Adieu…

Two fingers

I asked for a Macallan 20 year old Scotch

You told me the 10 was really good

And poured me two fingers in an etched glass

I had just been hiking

Trekking

Climbing mountains

Over and through the hills

All night long

An epic journey that took me 8 hours my first go

But went so much faster in my dream

Time was cut in half, my breathing, half as hard

I moved around the boulders with finesse and ease,

Like smooth Scotch whisky on my tongue

I’m losing you fast

I lost you

I guess it wasn’t meant to be

I’m here alone now with my thoughts

I used to feel like you were with me

even when far away

But now I feel the cold

I sense the fear and disappointment

I am sorry I let you down

I am sad and dismayed

Dismantled

I ask for another two fingers in my dream

Hoping the smooth fire will warm the ice

I feel inside

Mountain

I left you on the mountain

You couldn’t come with me

You didn’t want to come

So I left you

Again and again and again

And I’ll leave you still

A thousand million times

As I climb away from you

And what cannot be

I’ll race away from you

Swim dive crawl

A million miles away

Until I can’t feel you at all

Until I can’t feel you at all

Enough

it’s never

enough

I eat into a hole of ever-elusive comfort

fullness that makes me sick

shame and guilt and weakening of spirit

compound on top of the ice cream sundae

chips and dip

subs and pasta and fast food crap

my face puffs and minerals drain

I wonder why I self sabotage

this draws me rightfully to further inspection

I need to nip this and heal this and open this wound

love myself more and not be confused

about my place and who I am and why the sky falls

about my heart and how it was wounded

my mother wound and father too

divorce and moving and being a parent to my mom

when life got too much for her

I shouldn’t’ve had to be the support

for her wounds of childhood, myself a child

I was too strong, too kind, too spiritual, too grounded

for my age; god wanted me to play

I carry this pack with me today

still following me around, often heavy and draining

I am filling up with over-everything

over-travel/over-trying/over-proving/over-competing

over-fantasizing

OVER

Let me draw a line in the sand, for myself

Let me heal myself as no one else will for me

I don’t have to prove myself to anyone (and even when I try, I often fail regardless)

I don’t have to carry your load, I can set down your pack

and continue on my way on my own

the ridge is calling me home.

Forgot

I brought

40 dresses and no socks

to impress you

Jumbled and swollen

out of place and wilted

Trying to renew, trying to impress you

Birds sing out my hotel window

This spring day has brought fog and traffic sounds as well

Life is never linear

Nor love, I am told

The bus rattles outside

One sneaker is on, one dirty sock

Lost a bit without you

Over/under/blue

Fix

I haven’t much time

I’ve got hills to climb

ways to prove I’m worthy of you

I’ve got hair to cut, highlight/lowlight and style

teeth to straighten and whiten

nails to do

hooded eyelids to make new

frown lines to erase

pounds to shave

years to reverse

satisfaction to find

a life desirable enough for you to want to drop your own

and come running

ah!

the heart is a victim, it’s dumb, it’s a curse

(off to the salon I go)

In search of a connection I’ll never know

fool

We were in a pool

and my pillowy body felt welcome and accepting in your arms

We kissed and hugged and groped and tugged

(I did other things to you too)

A deep acceptance and a trying-this-on

And then you left

to have some pie with another

in a booth, just you two

and I waited and waited

and then went to look

and you both were gone

The rest of the dream

was spent with me trying to find you

Suddenly, there was a flea market of sorts / marathon type bazaar (bizarre)

booth with trinkets, people lining up to race, all at once, all together

(so easy and seamless in dreams)

and I started to jog to impress you

I passed you in your well-dressed suit

you were speaking on the phone

you liked speaking on the phone

you were not into me

you avoided me

you let me know

and my heart hurts…

I ate candy, drank wine

played music and wept

hard reality and distance of heart and mind setting in

I am a fool.